Walk In Love

This post is taken out of an old prayer journal of mine that dates from January 2002.

Ephesians 5:2
"Walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet smelling savour."

Ephesians 5:8
"For you were sometimes in darkness but now are you light in the Lord: walk as children of light..."

My postscript to these verses reads:

Let our light shine forth--always bright (keep our "batteries" charged full) Mine feel drained and low right now.

These entries were from January 5-6, 2002

I look back now, 5 years later and wonder why I felt that way, what was going on in my life...ooohhh, I remember now.

I was just over 3 months past the miscarriage of a much wanted and LONG awaited baby. Still, at this point trying to comprehend WHY God would let this happen to us...on top of that, just a month previous my beloved decided (mostly against family wishes) to uproot us from our long established home, special friends we loved as family, a very productive and much needed youth ministry in the community, and wonderful church family, to take a new job 200 miles away. How, I lamented, could this be God's will. Couldn't my beloved see what he was doing to us all, why was he being so blind and selfish.

This was too hard...but little did I know at the time that there were more harder trials to come--and soon.

Standing on this side, back at "home" and looking that long way back to that year, I still don't know that it was the right move--maybe there were selfish motives on his part, maybe he wasn't in God's will, but I do know it is not my place to judge that. Sure he knew, and knows how I still feel. I wasn't very good at concealling my despair over the whole thing.
I was definately "walking in darkness" during that time but feel like I've crossed out of it into the "light" once again.

my journal entry goes on...

Jan. 9, 2002

Matthew 12:30 "He that is not with me is against me..."

There is NO neutrality--either you are with the Lord or not!

Matthew 12:33 "...for the tree is known by its fuit."

As I travel on through that old prayer journal I come to the really hard times...

Feb 25, 2002

Dad had a heart attack during the night. Bob and I went down to the hospital @ 1am and stayed till 3am. He was doing good--very stable, talkative, joking, wantign to go home. I had a big green sour apple gum ball in my coat pocket and held it out jokingly asking him if he wanted it. Much to my surprise he said yes and proceeded to pop it into his mouth and chew it--much to the chagrin of the nurses attending him. I've never seen my dad chew gum in all my 41 years!....I got a call at 10am saying to come down--he wasn't doing good.

The journal goes on....

I remember thinking on my way to the hospital that I couldn't give him up -- it was too hard -- I wasn't ready -- it wasn't fair! I loved him too much. I had had the same thoughts when I miscarried our much desired and long awaited baby last September. This time -- as then -- God brought to my mind the fact that HE had given up his Beloved Son, Jesus to suffer and die because of ME -- because of MY sins. How much MORE God had given up because Jesus was totally innocent adn sinless. My grief was nothing comapred to our Fathers...

Luke 23:44-45
And it was about the sixth hour, and there was a darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour and the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was rent in teh midst.

Matthew 27:51, 52
And behold, the veil of the temple was rent from top to bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves opened, and many bodies of the saints which slept arose...

How deep the Fathers love for us, How great beyond all measure That he should give his only son to make a wretch his treasure...

Psalm 77:7-9
Will the LORD cast off forever? and will he be favorable no more?
Is his mercy clean gone forever? doth his promise fail for evermore?
Hath God forgotten to be gracious? has he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah

Psalm 77:10-15
And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the eyars of teh right hand of the most High. I will remember the work of the LORD surely I will remember the wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in teh sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

and finally --

Psalm 73: 21, 23-24, 26, 28
Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins...
...Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory...
...My flsh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever...
...But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the LORD God, that I may declare all thy works.

My prayer today...

Lord, in your hiding place is my safety and happiness. Let me always find myself seeking you, desiring your will in my life. Keep me ever mindful to show your Love to others that they may through me, come to know you. Help me to remember that those "others" are the people whom I do not want to love--the "unloveable" ones. Those who use me, slander me, despise me...AMEN.